Bundles and Snags

Humble Indie Bundle 5 is out... Just bought myself a copy (won't say how much for) and let me say there are some great games on there! Well worth checking out if you have the inclination since you can set the price of a bundle of products that should cost around £110 (according to HumbleBundle.com).

Hit a snag in my Java learning that I'm trying to get around, and that is the book I'm learning it from is horribly outdated... So I'm currently hunting down a new book whilst also searching online for a workaround since a lot has happened since this particular tome was published. Something of a pain in the arse let me tell you.

That is all for now.

Oh no wait.

My partner is pregnant with my child, massively exciting news to me! Less so to her, since she is now feeling very... Very ill... *Ahem*! My bad sweetie!

 

Technology Is a Pain.

So for reasons I can't really go into at this point I've lost my entire library of movies temporarily. Which is a massive pain in the arse since I was going to actually get myself to write some more reviews because I really haven't done that many and I've got a massive backlog of notes to go through, write up, and publish... But hey-ho that's life, one constant pain in the backside.


In other news I have recently taken it upon myself to learn Java, and I intend to write things I learn about it down here (sporadically). Since writing stuff down, repeating it, and reading it are the best ways to learn something quickly. I don't know much yet but what I do know is that Java apparently works differently to other languages in that it requires a middle man the 'Java virtual machine' for the computer to follow any program you give it. Programs essentially being a list of instructions and scenarios for the computer to follow and react to. Or so my understand thus far indicates.


Like I said I don't know much yet but I have only been studying it for an hour or two.


Lastly I've been writing fan-fiction...


Okay that's pretty much everything I had to write down I think.


*Thinks*


Programming languages are many and varied but all are broken down into zeros and ones by the computer so it can understand it. This is done through a compiler, the compiler turns the language into a code the computer can read (I think) and then the computer follows all the instructions you've written for it in the program, assuming of course you haven't fluffed it.


Oh and the zeros and ones are more complicated than just a straight up substitution, apparently there is a lot more going on in those simple yet mind bogglingly confusing lines of code than I first thought. 

Makes sense so far.

I've Been Watching: [Rec]

Okay so for those of you that don't know [REC] is a Spanish horror film, and a bloody good one at that! I won't ruin any major plot points but I have hard time actually classing it as a 'Zombie' film per se, however I will ignore that fact since it's on my list of films to review (Yes I have a list... Yes it's f@cking gigantic.) and I actually really enjoyed it.

Anyway the plot for this one is believable and sets up the 'shakey-cam'/POV style very nicely. Basically there is an anchor and her cameraman filming a documentary; 'whilst you're asleep' which is about the local fire department. Whilst filming this they accompany the firemen on a seemingly mundane call out that leads them into a apartment building, once inside they find nothing is as simple as it seemed as the situation rapidly spirals out of control they find themselves sealed in the building with no information given to them as to why.

The characters in this are all pretty good, not one of them was poorly acted or thought out, so top marks there. My personal favourite character was the Fireman called Manu, damn can that gentleman wield a sledgehammer! Seriously, he's a beast.

Manu!

Then there is the reporter (her name escapes me at the moment, not a mark on the movie but I rarely remember character names I simply assign them nicknames in my mind, why for a good length of the film Manu was simply 'Baldilocks' in my head) who starts off fairly annoying but I actually grew to care about her and the cameraman as the film progressed, something I view as a hell of an achievement when I normally get bored of films fairly easily. I think I watched [REC] about three times in total over the course of two days, twice to get to grips with it to write this and once to show my friends how cool it was.

Angela (That was it)

Right oh, so the 'zombies' in [REC] (ignoring [REC]2 at this point) are pretty comparable to the infected from the likes of 28 days later. They start of as regular people and being bitten or otherwise savaged by the infected quickly leads to the afflicted turning into one of the infected.


The infection is never fully explained in the events of [REC] but things are certainly alluded too (if you want to know what is alluded too watch the film I won't ruin it here). I think this is good, in fact this is the best approach! As soon as something is fully explained and understood it loses most of it's ability to be truly scary and get under your skin. I mean it's okay to hint at things and tease the audience with little bits of information but never give everything away about your monsters... Jeez.

As for the technical side of [REC] I found the camera style added to it more than anything, whereas I'm normally not a fan of POV style things (Cloverfield for instance), purely because although realistic it gives me a friggen headache and motion sickness when shit hits the fan and people decide to run around like mad bastards.


So in conclusion, bloody amazing movie with just the right amount of mystery and really good characterisation. Well worth watching... Just gotta watch Quarantine now and see if it really is a straight rip off or not.

Good Job!

4/5 brains, no less.

I've been watching: Against the Dark

I'll keep the spoilers to a minimum this time, promise. You want to know the plot watch the film or wiki it... Yeah I know way to many people who think that wikipedia plot summary sections are a substitute for actually watching a film... But I digress!

This film stars Steven Seagal as Tao (the leader of a group of 'hunters'), this is Seagals first horror movie role... And no offence to the guy but hopefully his last, I like to see emotions and fear in cast members of a horror movie, all Seagal and his hunters do is stroll around to 'awesome' theme music acting bad ass and killing the infected. Seriously if the hunters are having this easy a time of it I don't get how so many people have been killed...

However apart from being zombie-vampire-mutant-thing killing machines that's pretty much all that can be said about the hunters, they have almost zero characterisation making them serve only one purpose in this film; to completely remove any sense of desperation or atmosphere because Steven Seagal is apparently f@cking untouchable! 


So basically the plot is this; in a post-apocalyptic-but-somehow-still-with-working-planes-and-missiles-and-a-seemingly-fully-functional-military-and-chain-of-command world there are a group of leather clad bad-asses strolling around killing infected that run across a hospital where a gang of significantly less bad-ass people find themselves somehow unable to go out the way they came in and being stalked by strange vampire monsters... Oh and the mutants can talk and use logic... When convenient to the plot.

The last thing I will say about the plot (other than the fact it's bat-shit-ridiculous at points) is the fact that the group can clearly be seen entering the hospital through a window.I did have a picture but apparently it's so dark all you can see is the female leads face... And that doesn't really back up my argument. But then upon meeting other survivors they are in fact revealed to be several floors above ground level (what did they all get pulled out of harms way by spiderman?) and the only 'safe' exit is on the ground floor. Oh and the power is about to run out and come dawn the military are going to bomb the shit out of the hospital because they can't allow quarantine to fail and risk infecting everyone else... Wait a god damn minute I thought everyone else was dead anyway?! Post-apocalyptic remember? Jesus Christ was there even a script for this film?

 So... The infected, well I actually have a semi-decent picture of one of them that has an expression I feel perfectly sums up my reaction to this film:

Yeah. Moving on... Steven Seagal's character (I don't even remember any of the characters names unless I refer to my notes that's how engaging and relate able they are...) uses a sword, and I have to say the only time I've seen swordplay so choppy and unbelievable was in the film Zulu. Zulu is a classic and was made in 1964, what's your excuse Against the Dawn? Having said that it's only that bad in a few scenes where you see him fight them straight on camera related trickery make it so you don't see the blows land most of the time.

Let's find something positive to talk about quick! The mutants, they are... Oh fuck it they are the most inconsistent things ever. I'm pretty sure there's supposed to be a sub-plot in there somewhere about them evolving to become more intelligent and there's a message about 'humans being the outsiders now'. But that's crapped all over by the obviously more-than-just-getting-by humanity and the fact the infected can talk and reason but then inexplicably resort to growling snarling and running at clearly better armed opponents... Oh but then they lay clever ambushes for the people who run off on their own with no weapons... I refer you back to my infected friend above for my thoughts on this.

I can't provide any more examples of the mutant inconsistencies without ruining several key plot points (not that I wish to imply there is much of a plot), but trust me watch the movie and you'll get it.


All I can say for the special effects side of the film is that they have some decent props, and the one zombie with screws for teeth right near the end is fairly cool!

I can't help but feel that with some better writing this movie could of been a decent watch but something has gone wrong somewhere along the lines here... Seriously wrong.


Ah yeah this bears mentioning, at one point one of the characters states 'what if we're the last ones left, then we'd be the monsters'. That seems like it would be a pretty bloody good plot point to explore, sort of like I am Legend (the book) whereby the humans would be the monsters to the infected, especially Seagal and his gang who slaughter them wholesale, but no, mutants are bad and humans are good, it all stays very black and white.

Furthermore the characters are very willing to ditch each other, stupidly so! At points it's almost like they want each other to get eaten. I suppose it could be explained by the fact they've all been through a trauma and don't want to rely on anyone but themselves, but then why would they have been in a group in the first place. Reflecting this attitude and making it worse is everybody having complete acceptance of their companions probably deaths, if someone goes missing 'it's too late for them now' or 'they're gone we have to keep moving' it just seems slightly unconvincing for people who have stuck together thus far, especially the couple that are in the film, who abandon each other to dangerous psychotic mutants on a seemingly scene by scene basis.

My final point is that this feels very much like it should have been a video game, the whole descending floors to get to an objective and constantly splitting up from each other would make a good game, or at least a better game than film.


In conclusion:
Watch this film if you're bored have nothing to do and try not to think about it to much.


1.5 / 5 Brains... I feel that's more than a little generous.


 

  

I've been watching: Doghouse

So let me start out by saying I in no way attempt to pass this off as me thinking I'm a critic... I'm not, I have a friend who is a critic and he is far more witty and probably a lot more professional than I. These are simply my views on a film I've watched for the purpose of (hopefully) entertaining you.

SPOILERS AHOY!

I in no way hated Doghouse, as far as films go it was pretty entertaining, and I'm pretty certain that to entertain is this films only real purpose. Any deeper meaning[s] that can be gleaned from it are fairly obvious, for instance you could take it that running away from your problems in a relationship can only lead to trouble... Trouble in this case being 'pissed off man-hating feminist cannibals'.

The film itself has a pretty believable hook at least; the group organise a 'lads weekend' for Vince who is being divorced. So naturally they go to a little village in the middle of nowhere cheerily named 'Moodley' where the women supposedly outnumber the men 4-1 according to Mikey (Noel Clarke). Mikey being a character that can be summed up with this picture:

Yep. That's Noel Clarke with a cigar up his nose, as you do. In fact that picture pretty much sums up the groups actions for the entire movie, you see the obvious 'safe' course of action and then you see the group do the total mind bendingly moronic opposite. My favourite example being near the end of the film where they activate a device that disables the zombies (Great, movie over they are safe now... Right? RIGHT?! Wrong.), and then proceed to turn it off and on again, as if that wasn't bad enough Neil (Danny Dyer) throws the remote to Mikey and this results in the remote smashing and deactivating. That having been said the fact they behave like stereotypical 'lads' isn't a bad thing, I think it's actually what makes this movie avoid being totally awful and simply be hilari-bad at points and genuinely funny at points (I chuckled).

So let's talk about the zombies/mutants almost every female cast member of this film. They vary in intelligence throughout the film, being intelligent enough to use weapons and chop down a sign one of the cast members is hiding up, and also too stupid to use doors and being so easily confused the cast members manage to fool them by simply walking inside a shop and closing the door.

The mutants are created by a virus (biological weapon) that the army have decided to test on the town (because lab conditions are for suckers). The idea being to create a weapon that could turn one half of the population on the other... So, mission successful there! However the Geneva Convention may not like you using it so very much. Human rights and all that, I'm pretty sure you do have the right not to wake up to a weaponised virus turning your significant other into a flesh eating crazy right there in your own bed.

Oh and for those of you wondering what they look like: 

Kind of entertaining how a mutant bride is one of the main recurring zombies in this film really. Well I won't bore you with pointing out the obvious so I'll simply move on to the fact half way through this film the zombies 'level up' and enter phase 2, where they all mutate further and grow claws and supposedly become smarter. Personally even though this is pretty far-fetched I'm not going to bring that argument to the table for two reasons:

1. It's a movie about a virus that only affects women in the first place
2. Three of the main characters fool the zombies by dressing in drag... What? Don't believe me?

Scary right? Or not, if you're into that kind of thing, I won't judge you.


The main problem I have with this movie is the ending, it felt very predictable and slightly like it didn't need to happen, the group find themselves escaping in the minibus (the same minibus that has been sat there with only one mutant in it for the entire mother fr@cking film) only to get a call from their friend who somehow survived being body slammed by a truly massively obese woman from a story up. The group then turns around to go save their buddy, in the process they needlessly total the bus! This is the point where the earlier mentioned tomfoolery with the zombie disabling remote occurs, then when that fails they escape pushing their injured friend in a trolley. It's at this point the credits roll... I am assuming this is shortly before the cast get eaten for attempting to escape into woods they have been told are crammed to the nines with the infected, because lets face it there is no way they are effecting any real escape in their states of fitness with only a trolley and their legs... Then again judging by the mutants intelligence they could just glue some leaves to their faces and pretend to be trees.


Oh and an award has to be given for the worst death of the film, this award goes to the character 'Banksy' for being stabbed with a beer bottle that he then bleeds to death out of.

So... That must of sucked. Another note on Banksy is that he is in the movie for all of probably under 10 minutes of screen time before he is killed due to him being late to the weekend. So his character basically exists just to get stabbed with that beer bottle... Damn!


From a more technical standpoint this movie has been put together rather well with no camera angles that made me feel like they where totally out of place and decent use of shots to set up comedic or jumpier moments (competent if predictable). The gore is also way up there and is comparable with Shaun of the Dead in quality and quantity... Actually maybe a bit under Shaun of the Dead in quality that movie was fantastic.


In conclusion because I can't really think of much more to write about this film:

 Entertaining with some good funny moments and a smattering of truly cringey moments, worth watching once anyway.


2.5/5 brains... Might revise that.

SSSSSSSSsssssssexy Minecrafting

So the new update was out this week. We got ourselves a new jungle biome and the new tameable ocelot, which I have to say - it's unbearably cute, although damn frustrating to tame!









So cute :)



I think it just shows the general difference between cats and dogs though. You've got the wolf, which you chuck a bone and tah dah! Easily tamed. Easily satisfied. Just like in real life. However, cats are of course more complex. Just like in real life. You've got to feed these buggers raw fish three times. Which seems easy right? No. No, no, no. You have to wait until the ocelot comes to YOU. One of the most frustrating things EVER. But well worth it, when you see them change into a tabby cat once they're tame. I'm so going to be a crazy cat lady on MC now, compensating for my lack of cats in my tiny terraced home.







The jungle biome is pretty damn impressive when you first trundled upon it. You're just overcome with lots and lots of green and trees. Very very tall trees. The urge to climb and make yourself a tiny treehouse is too much to bear, and you end up scouting out for the biggest tallest tree around.



I've only been playing Minecraft for around 7 months now, but i've become highly addicted. It's such a relaxed casual game, that it's easy to play whenever. It's brought me plenty of memories too - the main one of bringing me and Nevenge together. Soooo many hours we would sit on skype to one another playing on our server, deciding whether we should build a hospital or magistrates court next, in our tiny pixellated city.









We laughed, shared tunes, and built. A lot. One thing lead to another and well. 7 months later he's living with me and we still play on Minecraft together, sometimes even for nostalgia sake :) A great game of ours is diamond shots. A shot for every diamond vein we find. It worked well until I managed to find 8 veins in 1 hour once. Can you say, hangover central?





Rare freaky glitch mode, double Nevenge? Too much to handle!



Some of the most elaborate tasks i've taken on have been the Disney Princess castle, various Pokemon, a full on city and a pirate boat. I don't think i'll ever tire of endlessly mining small blocks. And making random shit. It's therapeutic. And when my days have been that little bit stressful, nothing quite relieves that stress than hacking up some zombies with a raw pork chop.





Nevenge showing me his love for me ;)



But of course the obsessive person I am, I couldn't leave Minecraft to the confines of my Mac. That would be cruelty! So along came the papercraft :)











When Valentines Day came along, I couldn't not make something Minecraft related for Nevenge. So low and behold - my Minecraft Valentines Day card. How incredibly romantic of me eh?











Since I've been playing it so many updates have been added, and so much exciting content. Enchantment tables, more items, Endermen, Nether Fortresses, The End! And of course creative and hardcore mode.



If you've not played Minecraft, I suggest you have a go. It's well worth it and everyone I know who has played it, just keeps on playing it. It's addictive, let's put it that way :)



Mojang just keeps throwing more and more wondrous goodness at this game and it just makes me wanna blubber about it constantly. But I don't. Because I'm not THAT mentally unstable... *secretly blubbers*

Too Much Skyrim!

Recently I've been playing Skyrim, playing Skyrim... And sometimes prying myself from my chair when my body demands sustenance! Of course I exaggerate slightly since small people and my lovely other half take precedence over smashing dragons in the face, but apart from them I have pretty much been running around the land of snow and ice in a loincloth shouting zombies, bears, dragons, and the occasional peasant to death.

I think for me the draw is the same as it was for Oblivion and even Morrowind before that, the ability to do as you please in a vast fantasy world and also having a fairly solid story to run back to whenever you find yourself running out of villages to pillage and guards to slaughter (My normal behaviour when given unlimited power in a game being to make a magical sword, call it Bruce, and then slaughter the ever-loving-sh*t out of everything that moves until I'm sitting on a pile of loot the size of Mexico)!

I do have a few musings though, like for instance, Alduin has worked with humans before (Dragon priests) so, in a game of almost limitless choice, why the hell can't I join up with him and rock the apocalypse?! That would be hilarious and also a great form of stress relief after listening to all those guards talk about their arrow filled knees!

Also you can't throw a stick in Skyrim without it hitting a bandit, where the f@ck do all these guys even come from?! I'm going to go ahead and assume there are actually hidden underground cities populated entirely with interchangeable bandits... That or they are actually all immortal masochists that like to be killed repeatedly by heroes. Sick B*stards.

----

 I have to admit though one of my favourite things to do in Skyrim is to plunder ancient tombs in the hopes the Draugr come out to play. The Draugr being the closest thing to zombies in this game. This not being just because they are zombies, but also because they are really satisfying to smack with an axe!

However it's also full of bugs that make me totally lose the will to play the game. For instance it took me three characters to get the house Hjerm and actually get to feel like I had a proper place to store my loot and such (something I get great pleasure out of).

So yeah... I imagine I'll spend a lot more time driving my lovely girlfriend slowly insane by spending far too much time playing on my Xbox.